As a lover of animals,
It can sometimes be hard to read passages illustrating in great detail, the slaughter of majestic creatures. Herman Melville is a detailed writer if there ever was one, and he is also the author of my favorite book, Moby Dick. While I was regaling my Aunt with my favorite quotes from the book, she mentioned to me how much she hated Ahab. I think we can all agree that Ahab wasn’t the best guy. He is to Moby Dick, what King Geoffrey was to Game of Thrones. So, being the kinda guy I am, (weird, but with a taste for fine literature,) I decided to re-write Moby Dick for her. I then thought about how stupid an idea that was, and decided to just re-write the ending for her. Below, you will find Ahab gets the justice we all hoped he would get, as Captain Lizard and her trusty dog Chuck liberate the world from this Leviathan sized, nautical douche bag. Also, it is written in the style of Herman Melville, and I have tried to incorporate some great phrases he uses. ENJOY!
AHAB, NOW LASHED to a chair on the quarterdeck, all bound, and tied resembled so strikingly a whale fast to the ship, she was sure the similarity of their shared predicament would not escape him. As much as her disdain for the man prevented even the most infinitesimal display of sympathy, so too did her respect for his wit make it impossible to think this ignominious growth named Ahab might not realize the karmic role reversal at the present time.
In the dim light, she took a moment to survey the stage for the final show. Covered from tip to stern in the ship’s own spermaceti, the whole of Ahab glistened; like a mirror, his salt-cured hide reflecting back the ethereal glow of stars whose light travelled millennia to bear witness to the cleansing; a sight so precious, from this reflection, distant nebulous gasses will receive the tale in waves and reflect the sacred event out for the universe once they are born into stars. His ragged locks hung like infected Spanish moss from the gutter of a house built on the grave of a once mighty oak, the previously hateful and fearless brow furled into perpetual condemnation, now looked like that of a man being slowly lowered feet first into a pool of water, just as the rising liquid covers his mouth and nose, the reality of Ahab’s situation finally breaks him. Eyes, once covered by burlap lids, now dart about frantically, he tries to cry out, but is muffled by the harpoon line used to gag him. He is in fact a whale, stuck fast to his own ship. The dog with the white tipped tail edges closer, teeth barred and shining like ivory daggers in the moonlight, he dared not move, even if he could. The mood is tense, and the lizard has not made a sound. In the pale illuminations, Ahab thought he might have even seen a smile; he shuddered at the thought. All was quiet; there was not a breeze in the sky, no halyard made a sound, it was like an opera at its climax, the whole of the cosmic audience on the edge of their seat awaiting the final note; sheer silence until their need for an ending is met, not even the planks of the deck dared to creek.
Finally, the Lizard reached into her pocket and found a lighter. She took it out, stared into Ahab’s eyes and raked the flint, drawing a blaze from the wick which in turn drew a muffled gasp from Ahab. The small light from an even smaller flame looked like an inferno to a man covered in a substance he himself pilfered from the earth’s most majestic creatures so that he could make a buck and humanity could light its otherwise perpetually dark path. That tiny flame scorched whatever refuse festered in place of where a soul might once have been; all he could see behind the blaze was a toothy grin far surpassing the fearsomeness of the mutt’s teeth still being gnashed at him presently. She asked the man covered in boiled whale fat, “why so unctuous?” He readied himself for the inevitable, reflecting on his life. To his amazement though, she turned about and proceed towards the boats, never once looking back, she descended to the boats obviously on her way back to that sub which had caused so much damage to the whaling fleet. Ahab felt a wave of relief wash over him and he knew he had been given another chance, God himself had saved poor Ahab. God had reached down to him alone; finally noticing him and offering salvation, he thought to himself. All these years, poor hard working Ahab has been providing oil for lighting the Christian churches, so that people’s souls can be saved and have eternal happiness and peace; oil to illuminate the solemn churches use many barrels of the spermaceti he provides so they may preach unconditional inoffensiveness by all to all.
In those moments, Ahab vowed to live the life of a righteous man, to live by his wife and child and to be a servant of the God who saved him, the God who gave his son to cleanse humanity from their sins; he wept joyous tears upon realizing his new calling.
Ahab even smiled a little as he watched Captain Lizard’s boat lowering towards the water as she and her hateful mutt fell from of view. “Thanks to the God who created the universe and loves his children,” Ahab thought to himself, still reveling in the fantasy of his second chance. As he smiled, in his periphery, he thought he saw a shooting star, an angel sent down to meet him and guide him on his new mission graced the sky, arcing beautifully through the heavens. Time slowed as the angel neared; drunk with blind faith, the newly saved sailor thrust his gaze forth in order to gain a better view of his salvation and as it came near. As his eyes fixed on the heavenly body he was so sure would guide him to the eternity he so deserved for years of servitude, time stopped. Burning, icy chills stabbed through his corpse and no matter how many times he blinked, he could not change the arcing shape back to an angel and no God could save him, because there is no such God like the one in his fantasy, for what he had seen arcing through the night sky was not an angel sent to him from a God that doesn’t exist, it was the tiny flame of a lighter, sent by a God who answers injustice with justice, moments from striking the spermaceti planks and setting wretched Ahab ablaze; he was to become a his own tryworks. As the tiny lighter struck the deck, Ahab immediately felt the intense searing heat lash on to his oil soaked body as his immolation began. Flames filled his lungs as he tried to close his eyes to hide from his reality, but he could not because the scornful lids were now seared and torched away into fleshy, carbon tears that flew upward with the heat. As his odious flesh melted away like butter under a summer sun and Ahab began to scream, like half-articulated wailings of the ghosts of all Herod’s murdered Innocents, the wretch cried the cries of all the earth’s majestic creatures he slaughtered. Even in the midst of his own boiling flesh, Ahab was startled by his sounds, how his cries were so much like all distressed creatures. Just before his torment of the world ended and his molecular contribution began, a thought occurred to him, “perhaps if man and beast are so similar in our endings, we creatures are really no different from the beginnings.”